How do you react when someone important for you wants to get more time, attention or money than you want to give?
Do you get angry? Do you feel pressured ? Do you feel obliged to say yes?
Do you judge them and think: “They are so needy, they shouldn’t ask for this. They should know that it’s too much for me! They should give me more space. They should not ask for so much attention.”
All these “shoulds” are nothing but your own expectations, unless you actually have communicated your limits ahead of time by creating clear agreement. So let’s drop the “shoulds”, they don’t create much change, don’t they?
The truth is, the only person who is responsible for your time, energy and space is yourself.
So the first thing to remember is that it’s nobody elses’ job but yours, to feel when you need breathing space. You are responsible for saying yes or no.
And one of the essential tools to create healthy relationships is when we know when and how to set limits or boundaries with others.
Why is this a difficult task for most people ?
Often because of our education and upbringing. We learnt from our parents that in order to be loved and accepted, we needed to « be good », meaning to please others and give our attention and time. This is our classical conditioning. “Being nice”.
The fear of saying “no” comes from the fear of loosing the love and acceptance. The fear of setting boundaries comes from the belief that if we do, we will be rejected, we will loose the connection and we will be alone. But what if the opposite was true? In fact, the more YOU value your time and your attention, the more THE OTHERS understand your value too. It’s a liberating movement that comes from the inside out.
Some people also lack of an internal sense of boundaries. They may give, give and give until they end up depleted and empty. They didn’t realize that their giving came from an “automatic yes”, an obligation, but not from a joyful heart.
And this feeling of depletion can create anger. You may set your limits in a harsh way, rejecting both the person and their request. You may even want to totally cut off with this person who is “asking too much” ! Again, underneath this anger is a deep fear to loose your original freedom, your personal time and space.
So what to do?
Listen to your heart. Breathe and tell your truth: a real yes, or a real no.
Can you recognize when a yes or a no comes from a space of awareness and choice, instead of an automatic reaction?
You can take the risk to say “no” to others – and “yes” to yourself.
And you may realize that you always have a choice. You can decide how you own and use your time and energy, even if other people may not like it. And so what? Your job is not to be loved by everyone. Your job is to be authentic. Being authentic fosters self-respect and peace of mind. When you are authentic, people feel it and respect you more.
When people disagree or express their disappointment when you say no, you can continue to love them, because they are no longer a threat to your freedom. You may even find their “neediness” amusing and you can gently remind them that they can deal with a “no”. Because they are whole and resourceful.
Owning and being clear about your boundaries, your time and your energy is an empowering journey. This is a resource that can be learnt, and I often help my clients to develop it as it is life-transforming.
Without self-awareness, the “wounded child” inside us would continue to be angry and believe that it is other people’s job to respect our space. This wounded part would continue to blame others, and feel powerless.
But when you take your power back and reclaim your personal time, energy and space, you become authentic. And you can communicate your boundaries in a loving way. Loving yourself, and loving others.
Curious to know more? Questions? Just reach out. Effective communication is my passion. Have a great day!
